jump to navigation

My first short story September 19, 2006

Posted by Karan in Fiction.
trackback

Well here I go.. This is the first short story I have ever written, courstey Mr.Marathe. I have a feeling that it’s quite pathetic 😛 . However, if you have nothing better to do and are loaded with oodles of patience, do read it and tell me where I need to improve, so that I can do better in my future assignments.

A SMALL TALE ON FRIENDSHIP

 

 

29th May, 1999. Moin-e-jaz village, Drass sector. Sepoy Ram Singh was unable to push himself to sleep throughout the night. He had a hunch that this would not be just another day. It had been more than eight days since he had been stationed here, and fifteen days since he had last heard from his family. Fifteen days! Two years ago, he had fallen in love. After a breezy courtship, he got married last year. The marriage was held against the girl’s parents’ wishes. However, Ram promised to take care of Aparna always, come what may. But now, with his wife having entered the seventh month of pregnancy, he could not be with her at this time of need. Ram’s parents were old and in desperate need of the support of their only son. He felt a pang of pain and guilt in his heart. He had applied for a leave a week back, but he wondered if it would be passed. His more affluent friends had treated the officials to a sumpeqtous sum of money, but he could ill afford to spend so much. His parents were continuously suffering. The corrupt officials in his father’s office had stopped his pension. He needed money for them. He had dreams for his future child. He needed money for his growth. Life had not been easy for him. He had wanted to be another babu, someone who would come back home everyday into the arms of his waiting wife, someone with a decent pay and a comfortable life, but…

 

“Ram! Wake up! The enemy has is marching ahead at a frightening pace, and is alarmingly close to us now.” He was awoken to reality by the voice of Sepoy Rajesh Naik. Rajesh was one of Ram’s closest friends. They had known each other right from school days, but had grown to become the best of friends only after joining the NDA. The tough conditions at the camps only brought them closer together. So much so, that they knew each other inside out. Unlike Ram, Rajesh was unmarried and not weighed down by the burden of responsibilities. He was doing this just for the love for his motherland. Ram always rebuked him on this issue, saying that he was a man of obsolete thoughts, that there was nothing like patriotism in today’s cat race.

 

“Oh, My God!” was all that ram had to offer. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock. 5 A.M. “Those bastards!” The next set of supplies wasn’t due till 10 A.M that day. And that too was unreliable most of the times. Ram started getting ready for the arduous day ahead. Breakfasting on stale bread and tea, he grabbed his outdated LM-35 and the reached the strategy tent along with Rajesh. Hardly had they taken their seats, when Dev ran in excitedly. “Hey Gopal! Know what, I have been given my leave. Finally, I can go home now. My Goa trip is waiting for me…” Ram could only curse his luck. Why did life play such games only with him? When he had wanted to study for engineering, he was forced to opt out due to his father’s failing health. When he wanted to marry, he had to face stiff opposition. And now, he was unable to face the harshities if life. He turned around and looked at the serene face of Rajesh. Rajesh… He was the only silver lining in his life and a constant source of hope and support. Rajesh had done so much for him. He had unfailingly stood rock steady with him. Rajesh never let him down, and acted like his brother during extreme adversities. He was thankful to God for giving him such a good friend. “I wish I could express my feelings about what I feel about him. I wish I could do something in return for him. However, my responsibilities have tied me down.” “Gentlemen!” Ram was back to the real world again when Sq.Ldr Sandeep Kumar came forward to address them. “The time we have all been waiting for is here. The enemy has come too close for our comfort, and we need to act now. And remember one thing; this village is the most crucial one for Drass sector. If we allow them to move any further, we will surely lose Drass. Hence, we have to remain extra vigilant. The onus and attention of the nation is on us. We need to get our act together and put up the stiffest possible resistance. And yes, I do not want anyone backing out from the battle. Or else… So are you guys ready”. “Yes sir!” went the chorus. Ram couldn’t help noticing the irony. He wondered how many people were saying yes wholeheartedly. 20, maybe 30. He thought about it. And why would they say yes? In spite of braving such difficulties, their pay was miniscule, and conditions horrible. Neither were they ever given any credit for anything. Respect? That was out of the question.

 

“Jai Hind!” Soldiers rushed out in the formation and started with their drills. After the exercises and invoking the name of the Devi (whose temple was located nearby), the sepoys took their positions behind the curved ‘war wall’, which they had specially constructed for fighting purposes. Hardly had they settled in, when message came in that the Pakistanis had 600 soldiers with the specially designed AK-47s and 50 tanks. The enemy had proven to be doubly clever, and had somehow come to know of the Indian plans. “What! But we are just 350, and that too with our LM-35s”. “Brothers”, went Rajesh. “This is the time of reckoning. So what if we are just 350? We have the spirit and the blessing of the Devi! Let’s give it our best shot”. The soldiers then changed positions. Deserting the war wall, they spread over different positions, according to Plan B. Ram and Rajesh settled in towards the left hand side of the hill. “Rajesh! I have thought of it, and I have this feeling that staying here any longer may cost us our lives. Let’s just leave the battlefield and run away”. “What are you saying Ram!”, went Rajesh. “Hasn’t this country given us so much? Isn’t it our duty to stay on and fight the enemy? Besides, nothing will happen to us, don’t worry about that!” . Ram did not reply back.

 

“Whoosh”. The battle had started and Ram could feel it as the bullet zoomed past him. It was amazing as to how the apparently peaceful village had been transformed into a war zone. As time passed, casualties galored the Indian side. It was a terrible sight to see bodies thrown allowed and a mixture of snow white, blood red and dust brown. At a couple of hundred meters away from the two, an enemy tank was moving menacingly ahead. This tank had particularly caused problems to the Indian side. Rajesh couldn’t help noticing that destroying this tank would hold everyone in good stead, and give them control over the south. Meanwhile, a magnetic force was pulling Ram away from the battle zone. He didn’t know what to do. The force was very strong. Suddenly, a fully armed Rajesh rushed towards the enemy tank. In a well planned move, with the help of Shyam, he lured the tank and placed a bomb in its path. This spelt doom for the tank. “Dhisuddd” went the sound, and nearly immediately, out of nowhere, a bullet struck Rajesh’s leg, as Ram watched helplessly. “Ram”, screamed Rajesh. Rajesh needed help, and he needed it before the enemy could reach him. A part of Rajesh was asking him to get away from the scene, but Rajesh knew what to do. He knew that Rajesh was the only good friend he had ever had, a friend who had helped him in every situation possible. He knew that Rajesh was in trouble, and needed him. With all the guts he could summon, Rajesh rushed towards Ram. “Rajesh! Here I come.” “Why did you come here Ram? Its quite risky as the enemy is right under our nose”. Rajesh soon found himself being hoisted up and taken towards the safe post. However, as luck would have it, one of the many bullets struck Ram on his back. Gathering all his strength, Rajesh moved on towards the post. Finally, he managed to reach the post and Shyam took Rajesh into his shoulders, but Ram… Ram was dying. “Why did you do so Ram?”. Said Ram, “Rajesh, Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light. I have realized that for me, you have been such a human.” Tears rolled town Rajesh’s cheeks. “Rajesh, I have never been able to tell this to you. But here I go.. I am extremely grateful to you, for all that you have done for me. And yes, I really love you”. As Ram breathed his last, Rajesh realized what a sacrifice his gem-of-a-friend had made.

Comments»

1. Himank - September 19, 2006

Mast post ..Vry vry sexy specially the lines…”Sometimes our light…” Are they urs?? If yes then u rokk for sure…. My last comment was lost due to net ..soi m commenting on ur post again… :p
Once again a good tale….

2. aniket - September 20, 2006

cool post man, but wish u’d paid a li’l more attention to the technical details…abt the army n’ stuff. but that apart, it was realy good.

3. harsh - September 20, 2006

nice story karan !!
but it seems thoda ram aur rajesh main confusion sa ho gaya hai in the part after rajesh is hit !!
its really nice !!

4. Vivek - September 21, 2006

short and sweet (skipped the technical part 🙂 )

5. Namrata - September 23, 2006

I loved this post.Mind boggling words but I got a little confused as to who Ram was and who Rajesh was towards the end!You are good at fictional writing so write in more.Reminded me of all those war films I have seen.Blog on!!!

6. Pankaj Saini - September 23, 2006

realy gud one……i don’t know people got confused wid Ram and Rajesh….appropriate and vivid lexicon…..and yeah the concept was gud…..but u cud have described war scenario in more lively way…but still 9/10 to start wid…is this what uhave handed over to Mr.Marathe…

7. ahem - September 25, 2006

I couldn’t read beyond the first 3 paragraphs. You’re right, the story is pathetic.

Few factual mistakes that I think you should correct:
1. Sepoy is a non-commisioned officer rank in the Army. After graduating from the NDA, Cadets receive commision, they start as Lieutenants. So Ram and Rajesh couldn’t have gone to the NDA.
2. Sq.Ldr is a rank in the Air Force. why will and Air Force officer address army jawans?
3. Drass is a situated in a mountainous region, there possibly can’t be an air force base there, so no question of Sq.Ldr being present and the use of tanks is absolutely impossible.

Following are my personal views, you may choose to agree or disagree:
1. The plot is old, stereotypical, highly influenced by the worst hndi war movies(viz. LOC-Kargil).
2. Please do read about the Kargil war. you’ll certainly find many mistakes in your story.

If this is what you have handed over to Mr.Marathe, then God help you.

8. Andy - September 25, 2006

Nice one to start with…lukd lik some chetan bhagath thingie 2 start wid:P
do dis boss…jus shoot a to b contd…u will do a great job runnin d reels more..:)
keep bloggin..u have Regular Readers et al..me!

9. karanmaroo - September 29, 2006

well guys, thanks 4 takin the pain of reading my story, especially ahem 😛
neways.. this is what Mr.Marathe had to say:
Potentially interseting, but too many mistakes in it to have had the effect…
Guess I have way to go……

10. mythalez - September 30, 2006

“sumpeqtous” ??
His parents were continuously suffering -sentence somewhat abrupt.
“today’s cat race.” – u have an aversion to using ‘rat’ ?? 😛
“harshities if life” .. one word doesnt exist i think .. and the other is a typo
And a few other typos .. and u did a good job of attempting to confuse the reader by interchanging the names at the end of the story 😛
And the technical mistakes hav been pointed out by someone earlier ..
and yeah .. come on .. i know u can come up with a much better story esp without errors 😛
The start seemed interesting but then it took the beaten/trodden path to become a trite hackneyed plot 🙂
— ur TA 😛

11. viks - October 16, 2006

mast post be tu to chhaa gaya…..awesome story specially the climax……the line “”smtimes our light……..rekindled the light”” is the most sexy part of the whole story…….really if its ur own…then u r really a gem man & u shud start writin stories

12. Abhilash I - December 6, 2006

Thanks a lot to you man .
I am using your story as corpus in my AI assignment.
Anyways i will read it atleast once before testing it in my assignment .
kudos to you .

13. Deepti - December 31, 2006

lol…Confusing n I must say stereotype…But the lines “Sometimes…” are a real asset to yor post…Temme karan are these your own words??

14. Karan - January 1, 2007

@Deepti . well thanx for readin all those posts of mine. 😀 Yup, on hindsight, this was not a good read. But you must forgive me ‘cos it was my first story.
Yeah, the lines are mine 🙂

15. Deepti - January 1, 2007

Well then karan..Those were adorable. You can seriously start writing few really good short stories…

16. Navatha - October 23, 2007

Awesome composition…I must say lil sentimental but one definitely doesnt need the so mentioned “oodles of patience” to read a good post like this[:)]…

17. ruthgseattle@comcast.net - January 7, 2008

i have total respect for your comp

18. Devis Veranda - April 6, 2016

Devis Veranda

My first short story | Life, shife and all that.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: